Are Kids Connecting by Fitting in or Belonging: The Difference is Important

Review by Terry Northcutt, Ph.D.

Wringer
Jerry Spinelli
Publisher: HarperCollins, Reprint Edition, 2018
Format: Novel, Paperback, 240 pages
Interest Level: Grades 4-8

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Questions for children to think about before reading Wringer:
 
     If your community held an annual pigeon shoot in which people paid to shoot live pigeons to raise money for the local park would you become a wringer to put the wounded pigeons out of their misery?
 
     What if all of your closest friends hated pigeons and were looking forward to being wringers and you liked pigeons, especially one visiting your room each day. What would you do and why? Would you show your friends your pet pigeon? Would you tell them all the good things you’ve learned about pigeons? What do you think your friends would say or do?
 
     What would you do if you knew that your friends would bully you if you told them about your pigeon or let them know you didn’t want to be a wringer?
 
Introduction
   
     Brene Brown, a researcher at the University of Houston has completed extensive research on connection. She defines connection as:

“The energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.”   
     
     After in-depth analysis of her research, Brown concluded that there are two primary ways in which we connect with each other: Fitting in and Belonging. When we strive to “fit in,” we tailor what we say, what we do and, sometimes, even how we dress to conform to the expectations of others. “Fitting in” is about shifting our external appearance and behavior to be accepted, while simultaneously suppressing aspects of our authentic self that we perceive will not be accepted. And we do this because we don’t feel secure in ourselves, we do not feel worthy.
    
     By contrast “belonging” is being accepted for who we are. This doesn’t mean we can deliberately be rude, insensitive, and hurtful toward others. We all have to modify our words and actions to some degree for relationships to work well.  It does mean we are valued for the most important facets of our authentic self. And when our imperfections result in friction, others work with us to repair relationships.
     
     Thematically, Wringer, A Newbery Honor book by Jerry Spinelli is a story about societal pressure on boys to engage in rites of passage rooted in violence. But it is also a nuanced story illustrating the difference between connection based on “fitting in” and connection based on truly “belonging.”
 
Palmer is Accepted
    
     In the beginning of the novel, Palmer, the main character, finally achieves his goal of being accepted by Beans, the leader of the kids in his neighborhood. How does he know he is accepted? Beans and his sidekicks, Mutto and Henry, come to his ninth birthday party, bless him with the nickname, Snots, and bring him presents. The presents are questionable –an apple core, brown and rotting, a crusty holey, once-white sock, an ancient cigar butt—but to Palmer they mean “We came into your house. We gave you a cigar butt. You are one of us.”
 
Palmer Learns to “Fit in” with the Guys
    
     Over the course of the book, Palmer learns what the guys expect of him. He learns they expect him to join in with them by harassing Dorothy, a neighbor who has always invited him to her birthday parties. When they call her Fishface, Palmer initially cringes and doesn’t join in. This changes when she doesn’t admire his bruise from the treatment, a community tradition in which boys receive knuckled punches to their arm by Farquar for each year of age.  It is so painful, Palmer could barely lift his arm for days. His bruise made him a hero to other boys, but not to Dorothy.
    
     Because Dorothy didn’t respect or admire his heroism, Palmer is angry and seeks revenge. He no longer feels bad about harassing her and joins the guys in throwing snowballs at her and blocking her path as she walks down sidewalks (called “treestumping”).
    
     While Palmer rationalized his feelings about Dorothy so he could be one of the guys, he kept his feelings about becoming a wringer at the Family Fest Pigeon Shoot to himself. People paid to shoot live pigeons at this annual event. It was a way to raise funds to maintain a local park.  Sometimes a shooter only wounded a bird. Wringers, boys of ten, rushed to the pigeons to put them out of their misery by wringing their necks. Palmer had dreaded his tenth birthday for many years because he did not want to be a wringer.
     
      Yet Beans and his sidekicks reveled in frequently reenacting the pigeon shoot at the park. Beans and Mutto played the role of shooters. When Henry, as wounded pigeon fell to the ground, they clamped their hands around his neck and shook him. Palmer does not participate in the reenactment and tries to divert the guys from going to the section of the park where the Pigeon Shoot takes place every August.
    
     The guys also frequently express that they hate pigeons. Palmer does not hate pigeons. In his community, he had often heard that Pigeons were dirty and filthy, nothing more than rats with wings. But on a family trip to the city, he saw pigeons strutting and pecking. They were an accepted part of the landscape. To him they were pretty birds, agreeable birds who nodded as they walked as if to say, “Yes, I will. I agree. You’re right.” And then there was the man who had poured seeds all over himself and was covered in cooing pigeons and giggling as they snapped up the seeds.
    
     Palmer’s decision not to become a wringer solidified when a pigeon tapped on his window, a pigeon he fed, a pigeon that roosted in his closet at night, a pigeon with many wonderful colors: green and purple around its neck, orange eyes trimmed in black, pink legs, white wingtips.
    
     Every day after school the pigeon hopped into Palmer’s room, walked up his arm, stood on his head, and perched on the basket rim sometimes catching his Nerf ball shots before they dropped through the basket.  He named the pigeon, Nipper.  Having allowed Nipper to become a part of his life, Palmer faced two problems:

How to avoid Nipper on the way home from school when the bird flew around the neighborhood.

How to keep the guys from knowing that he liked pigeons, that he didn’t want to be a wringer, and that he had a pigeon as a pet.
    
     Palmer is clear that if the guys become aware of these things, they will turn against him and harass him worse than they harass Dorothy. But his concern about Nipper and not being a wringer go beyond the guys. His father, like most males in the town, had been a wringer when he was a boy. He had, also, won the golden pigeon statue for Sharpshooter in 1989. So, how could Palmer be the only boy in the history of the town not to be a wringer? It was unthinkable.
    
     Eventually the strain of not being able to share his enjoyment of Nipper with anyone and trying to protect himself and Nipper from the guys, overwhelms Palmer. And this is when he renews his relationship with Dorothy and learns the difference between belonging and fitting in.

​Belonging
     Spinelli doesn’t detail how the relationship between Dorothy and Palmer is restored--this would be an excellent discussion point for students. Spinelli does illustrate how Palmer thinks and feels in Dorothy’s presence:

"Same old across-the street Dorothy he had known all his life. And yet, somehow, not the same…Palmer had been seeing something else in her lately. Whatever it was, it registered not in his eyes but in his feelings and was most clearly known to him by its absence in the company of anyone but her. It made him feel floating."  
 
     The floating feeling was the same feeling he had experienced when he learned to swim. He had learned to trust the water to hold him up. He knew he could trust Dorothy, he could let go and she would hold him up.
    
     And because he felt so supported in her presence, he found himself telling her all that he had been thinking and feeling. Sometimes he didn’t even know his true thoughts and feeling until they came out of his mouth.
    
     He also tells his mother all that has been happening. She is not mad at Palmer for having a pigeon in his room. She is supportive and understanding about all that has happened. Reading the sections about how Palmer feels with Dorothy and how his mother reacts to his confession gives meaning to Brown’s definition of belonging as being seen, heard and valued without judgement.

     I’m sure Spinelli probably didn’t read Brown’s research. In fact it may not have been published before he wrote Wringer, but the scenes with Dorothy and Palmer’s mother are so vivid, readers enter into the relief and deep sense of connection that ultimately provides the support Palmer needs to reclaim his authentic self.
    
     When Palmer’s friends are gathered for Farquar to perform the treatment for Palmer’s tenth birthday, Palmer rolls up his sleeve, but then steps back and shakes his head. His friends stare at him, waiting:

"[Palmer} heard the scream, heard it coming a split second before the others heard it, the scream that he knew now had been growing inside him for a long time. He planted his feet and bent his knees and balled his fists and let it come all the way out:
No nothing! No Treatment! No wringer! No Snots! He thrust his scream at Beans, “I’m not Snots! My name is Palmer! My name is Palmer! He stepped back, he hunkered down. No!"
 
     He turned and ran, hearing the guys shout that he was dead meat, that they would wring his pigeon’s neck and pull its head off, and that they would pull his head off, too.
    
     The guys do harass him for a time. Palmer is aware that the cost of “fitting in” which isolated him from his parents and his friend and left him in a continual state of anxiety was high. The cost of reclaiming his authentic self and the cost of acting on the first thing he had learned about himself—he did not want to be a wringer—was also high. However, it enabled him to experience true belonging: being seen, heard, and valued for his authentic self and finding the support he needed during a difficult time.

     Readers can discuss the costs and benefits of “fitting in” and “belonging” and decide for themselves how they would like to connect with others.

​      Perhaps, it isn’t always one or the other. Perhaps there are times and situations when “fitting in” for a short time is necessary, such as moving to a new place until you can find people who accept you for who you are. But even if it might be necessary for a time, how do you decide when you’re sacrificing too much of who you are: your thoughts, feelings, and values? And if you decide to leave a group, how can you diplomatically extricate yourself? It’s something for readers to think about.


Discussion Questions

On the first page of Wringer, Spinelli writes:

        "He did not want to be a wringer.
     This was one of the first things he had learned about himself. He could not have said exactly when he learned it, but it was very early. And more than early, it was deep inside. In the stomach, like hunger."

What was one of the first things you learned about yourself? Do you remember what was happening when you learned it? How did you feel when the new information about yourself became clear to you?
 
Why was it so important to Palmer for Beans and his sidekicks Henry and Mutto to accept him?
 
How do you decide if you want to be part of a group? What is it about the kids in a particular group that makes you want to be friends with them? What is it about the kids in a different kind of group that makes you decide that you would rather not join them?
 
Do you think Beans is a good friend? Why or why not?
 
Why does Palmer join the guys in throwing snowballs at Dorothy and treestumping her?
 
What do you think about Dorothy’s reaction to being bullied? She did not step aside, step back, or run away. She did not scream, shout, or cry. She did not even look at the guys. She did nothing.  She simply moved on as best she could?
 
Do you admire her approach or think it’s the wrong thing to do? How do you think Palmer thinks about the way Dorothy responds to the guys? Does his opinion change?
 
Do you think Dorothy is upset by these bullies? Why or why not?
 
Why do you think Beans harasses Dorothy? Why does he become more and more focused on harassing her and making her life miserable? 
 
Why does Dorothy confront Palmer instead of Beans when being bullied?
 
Why does Palmer decide to renew his friendship with Dorothy?
 
How does Palmer finally extricate himself from the stress of loving his pigeon, and protecting his pigeon while, also, trying to keep the guys from turning against him?